New revelations from the Angel who started it all
Hot drinks, wine, meat in summer and not having babies now OK!
Angel Macaroni reveals typos in original gold tablets
In 1823 Joseph Smith had a heavenly visitation, in which an angel named Moroni told him of a sacred history written by ancient Hebrews in America, engraved in a strange Egyptian dialect on tablets of gold and buried in a nearby hill.
However, it wasn’t until the most recent discovery of a new tablet that certain Mormon beliefs were found to be “slightly incorrect.”
The 18-year-old Smith was originally told it was the history of the ancient peoples of America, and that he himself would be the instrument for bringing this record to the knowledge of the world. Young Joseph obtained these gold plates from the angel in 1827, and translated them into English by the spirit of God and the use of a sacred instrument accompanying the plates called the uma thurman (sacred contact lenses).
Here’s how it came to pass, according to one of Smith’s close companions.
“As a consequence of the early brethren smoking Cuban cigars, drinking cheap wine in the hot springs while noshing on greasy chicken wings and overcooked brats, it was found that said brethren tended to get way rowdy and caused their wives much misery in cleaning up the next day, not to mention that the brethren were rendered completely useless in their husbandly duties. Thus the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently he inquired of the Angel Macaroni (nephew of the Angel Moroni, who was on leave of absence) concerning it. Macaroni dutifully prepared new gold tablets and impishly hid them in the usual spots. Unfortunately, when the tablet info was transcribed by one of Smith’s increasingly annoyed wives, it is believed that she made certain slight editorial “judgments” and redactions that significantly changed the Angel’s intentions.”
The new, correctly translated gold tablets indicate that Moroni had never intended to outlaw wine since it was a staple of Jesus’ time — indeed of both Christian and Jewish worship.
As for “hot drinks,” Macaroni noted, “This is just plain silly. Why would we outlaw soup? And what about hot chocolate? Who in their right mind would forbid that?”
Mistaken texts forbidding the eating of meat except in summer, when it’s cold out, and in times of famine “should have been caught right from the get-go,” Macaroni pointed out. “Isn’t that sort of the point of a famine…that there’s no meat? I mean, cometh on, people! Getteth thou a clue.”
The new translation also indicates that mindlessly populating the world was “a big mistake, in retrospect.”
Here is the original, “mistranslated” text, verbatim from Doctrine & Covenants.
89: 7 And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.
89: 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.
However, more careful renderings of the wine prohibition show that Smith actually allowed wine drinking with certain restrictions.
89: 5 That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.
89: 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.
(Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at the Youngstown (Ohio) Mall February 27, 1833. HC 1: 327–329.}
“Many of thou think that ‘wine’ refereth to unfermented grape juice, but I say unto thee, if the Lord had meant simple grape juice, he wouldth have had Nephi say ‘grape juice.’ Nay, it did come to pass in 600 BC that the tribe of Lehi did drink of fermented beverages, sometimes a nice IPA beer, but generally a hearty red wine (no Merlot!), and only in moderation and thus also did Laman, Lemuel and Sam—though not always in such moderation for Laman, we art sorry to report. And yea six hundred years passed as the Son of Mary did enjoy the traditional four cups of wine — not grape juice! — as they did take their Passover Seder. And Yeshua did convert water to wine — not grape juice! — at Cana as well.”