CHAPTER 1:
The new arrival
So me and Herman, a doxie, are patrolling the living room of his caretaker’s house with the help of his junior caretakers, Katiekin and Hannabanana, when we get wind of a new arrival at the door.
Oh…sorry, I guess you don’t know who I am yet do you? We Jacks are like that so I have to be reminded sometimes.
I’ll back up up a bit.
All right then, my human-type name is ‘Chili’…that’s the name my caretakers gave me, but my real name, my ‘dog name’ is…well, you probably wouldn’t understand it unless you speak “Dog” so I’ll just say that it means “Dog-that’s-always-alert-and-never-lets-anything-go-on-unless-I’m-there-to-supervise.”
Whew!
As you probably guessed, I’m a Jack Russell dog. That’s a kind of terrier. I don’t know exactly what the humans mean by that but I think it means we’re supposed to bark a lot.
Right now, Herman—a dachsund whose name in dog language means “Dog-that-barks-at-the-door-and-runs-around-the-room-like-mad-for-5-minutes-for-no-obvious-reason”—is barking at me to get on with the story. Herman gets a bit impatient with me sometimes and doesn’t understand why I never shut down. So he’s good for keeping me on track.
Anyway, we pick up on a new arrival to the house—smells like two Big Ones and a dog. But there’s something wrong.
What do you think is wrong? Well, I’ll bark you…I mean, tell you.
Herman and I smell this dog…but we don’t hear it.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. So the two Big Ones (that’s our name for what you call grown-ups) come in with their dog-friend and we start with our usual routine. Seems that this new one is a puppy and is friendly but a little shy what with all our barking. We all go around sniffing each others’ rears — which really doesn’t tell us as much as you humans think—but it’s very important. What it does is give us a sort of “key” to the other dogs — a special way of recognizing them.
I mean, it also tells some other stuff that you probably don’t want to know about, but mainly it gives us an exact, one-of-a-kind match…what you might call a fingerprint, if we had fingers.
CHAPTER 2:
How the new dog got his dog name
So there we are, Herman, me and the new kid who wasn’t old enough to have a true dog name but his human-type name was “Ziggy.” I could see how he got that name from his caretakers. This dog could not keep a straight line even if there were a tasty liver chunk at the end of it! He was here and there and everywhere. And everywhere he went he did some licking.
But not a sound. This was the quietest dog I have ever smelled. And here’s the strange part:
He is a terrier!
Now I don’t know about you, but back in the day, a terrier that doesn’t bark would be hounded out of the terrier pack faster than you could say “arf arf arf ARFARF arf ARF.” Oops, sorry again. Herman reminds me that you don’t speak Dog, so I should translate. What that last bit of arfing meant was: time for a nap or a cool drink or a bit of shoe-chewing.
OK, so dog talk doesn’t translate very well into human talk.
We got along pretty well with this Ziggy though. Turns out he’s a lot of fun even if he is a bit new to the dog thing. Awfully quiet though. Makes us nervous when a dog won’t bark what he’s thinking. Makes us think he’s hiding something. Boy did he lick though. This dog was a champion licker. I thought I was a good licker, but I’m strictly chump change compared to this Ziggy.
He licked all the Big Ones. He licked the chair legs.
He licked the humans some more…on their feet, on their hands, on their faces. Even their hair! He licked the floor of course…I mean, who wouldn’t? And then he went back to the Big Ones for more licks.
That’s when we realized what his name is: “Dog-that-leaves-no-face-or-foot-unlicked!”
Chapter 3
Being a very short chapter about the Big Ones
You know me…just jabbering along with whatever comes to my scattered Jack Russell brain.
But Herman there…he’s a thinker. He’s not much for story-telling but he can think up a storm. And ol’ Herman tells me that you might like to know why we call you “caretakers.” Some Big Ones call themselves “owners.” And I guess you paid some human money and that’s how you got us in your door. But see…human money doesn’t mean anything to a dog. What we care about is attention…that and food. And smelling other dogs. Not always in that order. But that’s about it. Attention. Food. Smelling Other Dogs. Oh, and napping. That’s big for us.
Right…so it’s Attention, Food, Smelling Other Dogs and Napping.
Herman says: get on with it, doggone it!
The point is, everybody’s got a job here: Our job as dogs is to be loyal and cute and to eat your food and chew your leather shoes. Your job is to take care of us dogs.
Sometimes a Big One will say they “own” such and such a dog. Sometimes a Big One will say they’re our “master”…whatever the heck that is. Sometimes you even call yourself our mother. Some times you even give us your last name. Ha ha. A dog with a last name is like a ArfarfARF ARF ARF arf arf ARF arf. I keep forgetting you don’t speak Dog. Nevermind. It doesn’t translate very well.
We trust you to take care of us. In return we give you a never-ending stream of devotion. Maybe a couple rugs or shoes get lost in the shuffle.
Deal with it.
CHAPTER 4
What Happened to Annie
The next part is a little harder to explain. Problem is, I wasn’t there and neither was Herman. And we dogs are very careful only to bark about things we know of our own personal experience.
It’s very hard to lie about a dog’s doodoo, for example. It is what it is. That’s why we spend so much time sniffing around.
So what I’m going to tell you …you’ll have to take it with an ARF arf ARF arf ARF ARF arf arf arf arf. I think “grain of salt” is the closest way of saying it in Big One talk. I have no idea what that means, but trusty Herman here barks me that it will mean something to you.
Would you like to take a moment and ask someone now?
Ok, now that we’ve got that settled let me just bark you that I got this story from a white Lab who got it from a rose bush visited by a Collie who heard it at a nice muddy puddle visited by a Pug who smelled it at an Oak tree.
CHAPTER 5
Being the rest of the chapter that wouldn’t fit into chapter 4
The way the story came down to me and Herman is that Annie, the caretaker of this Ziggy The Non-Barker, was out in her back yard fussing with the big-tall-black-thing-that-makes-meat-sizzle. Funny how such a funny-looking thing can make meat smell so good … Oops. Herman’s on my tail to get on with the story.
So Annie is inspecting the meat-sizzling-thinger and Ziggy is minding his business…checking leaves, smelling the wall and keeping an eye out for cockroaches. Next thing Ziggy knows, Annie is napping. But she doesn’t look like she normally does when she’s napping.
For one thing she’s napping on the brick ground. While we dogs know that there’s nothing more pleasant than a nice cool brick floor for napping, Big Ones usually don’t care for that sort of thing.
The other odd thing was the smell.
Ziggy didn’t recognize the smell. It certainly wasn’t the wonderful smell of meat on fire. It wasn’t the smell of meat gone bad. It was a sort of dark-puddle-gone-bad smell. Ziggy didn’t like the smell at all.
What to do, what to do!
Ziggy tried his emergency first aid trick, which happened to be his every-moment-of-the-day trick: licking her face. As much fun as this was, it didn’t seem to get the usual reaction from Annie. She liked to scrunch up her face and push her lips onto his fur when he licked her. But now…nothing.
So Ziggy did the next thing he could think of: he wandered around the yard smelling stuff. Then he went back to Annie and licked her some more. Then he went to the glass door and stared at it for a moment. Then he went around the yard and smelled some more stuff.
And then he did the next thing…which he was sort of afraid to do because he always got stern voice noises from the Big Ones when he did this: He scampered around the side of the house to the front yard.
And who should come along but a nice neighbor Big One. The neighbor Big One knew Ziggy very well from walks around the block… and so there was a lot of scampering and licking and dancing around — from Ziggy too! Just kidding. Ziggy did most of the scampering and licking and dancing around! And the Big One was very happy to see Ziggy but eventually she had to go because that’s what Big Ones do. They have to go somewhere else. But Ziggy didn’t want the Big One to go. Because Ziggy didn’t like the new smell in the back yard. And Ziggy didn’t like the idea of Annie taking a nap around that bad smell. So Ziggy scampered and licked and danced around some more. But the Big One wanted to go. The Big One had Other Important Places to Go.
Now here’s where something very interesting happened.
Something very astounding.
Can you guess what happened? I’ll give you a couple moments (which, believe me is a lot when you figure it in dog-moments!)
Did you guess? Yes…
Ziggy started barking. That’s how the Big One knew something was wrong. That’s how the Big One knew that she had to follow Ziggy to the backyard.
The next part is pretty confusing. It seems to involve a lot of Big Ones in very big trucks with blinking lights and loud noises showing up. The Big Ones in the big trucks all started inspecting Annie and doing all kinds of things. The first thing they did was make the bad smell go away. Eventually Annie woke up from her nap and the whole bunch of Big Ones went away.
And Annie was her happy self again.
See…just because a dog doesn’t bark doesn’t mean he can’t.
And…sometimes even the caretakers need to be taken care of.
(c) 2003 James Veihdeffer. Revised for blog 20 Feb. 2024