Revelations Shock Mormon World

New revelations from the Angel who started it all

  Hot drinks, wine, meat in summer and not having babies now OK!

Angel Macaroni reveals typos in original gold tablets

In 1823 Joseph Smith had a heavenly visitation, in which an angel named Moroni told him of a sacredwings-2-quintus-background-sept2016 history written by ancient Hebrews in America, engraved in a strange Egyptian dialect on tablets of gold and buried in a nearby hill.

However, it wasn’t until the most recent discovery of a new tablet that certain Mormon beliefs were found to be “slightly incorrect.”

The 18-year-old Smith was originally told it was the history of the ancient peoples of America, and that he himself would be the instrument for bringing this record to the knowledge of the world. Young Joseph obtained these gold plates from the angel in 1827, and translated them into English by the spirit of God and the use of a sacred instrument accompanying the plates called the uma thurman (sacred contact lenses).

Here’s how it came to pass, according to one of Smith’s close companions.

“As a consequence of the early brethren smoking Cuban cigars, drinking cheap wine in the hot springs while noshing on greasy chicken wings and overcooked brats, it was found that said brethren tended to get way rowdy and caused their wives much misery in cleaning up the next day, not to mention that the brethren were rendered completely useless in their husbandly duties. Thus the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently he inquired of the Angel Macaroni (nephew of the Angel Moroni, who was on leave of absence) concerning it. Macaroni dutifully prepared new gold tablets and impishly hid them in the usual spots. Unfortunately, when the tablet info was transcribed by one of Smith’s increasingly annoyed wives, it is believed that she made certain slight editorial “judgments” and redactions that significantly changed the Angel’s intentions.”

The new, correctly translated gold tablets indicate that Moroni had never intended to outlaw wine since it was a staple of  Jesus’ time — indeed of both Christian and Jewish worship.

As for “hot drinks,” Macaroni noted, “This is just plain silly. Why would we outlaw soup? And what about hot chocolate? Who in their right mind would forbid that?”

Mistaken texts forbidding the eating of meat except in summer, when it’s cold out, and in times of famine “should have been caught right from the get-go,” Macaroni pointed out. “Isn’t that sort of the point of a famine…that there’s no meat? I mean, cometh on, people! Getteth thou a clue.”

The new translation also indicates that mindlessly populating the world was “a big mistake, in retrospect.”

Here is the original, “mistranslated” text, verbatim from Doctrine & Covenants.

Doctrine and Covenants 89-REV

89: 7 And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

89: 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

89: 12 Yea, flesh also of  beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

89: 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

89: 16 All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine.

However, more careful renderings of the wine prohibition show that Smith actually allowed wine drinking with certain restrictions.

89: 5 That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

89: 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

nephi-bread-water-wine-compositSmith then sayeth:

(Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at the Youngstown (Ohio) Mall February 27, 1833. HC 1: 327–329.}

“Many of thou think that ‘wine’ refereth to unfermented grape juice, but I say unto thee, if the Lord had meant simple grape juice, he wouldth have had Nephi say ‘grape juice.’ Nay, it did come to pass in 600 BC that the tribe of Lehi did drink of fermented beverages, sometimes a nice IPA beer, but generally a hearty red wine (no Merlot!), and only in moderation and thus also did Laman, Lemuel and Sam—though not always in such moderation for Laman, we art sorry to report. And yea six hundred years passed as the Son of Mary did enjoy the traditional four cups of wine — not grape juice! — as they did take their Passover Seder. And Yeshua did convert water to wine — not grape juice! — at Cana as well.”


P.S. from Macaroni: Forgetteth thou not also Nephi’s note to the thirsty: “He that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.” That soundeth like a pretty good deal. (2 Nephi 9:50)

wine-glass-scene208

A moratorium on odious phrases

At restaurants: “How’s everything tasting?” or “How’s everything tasting for you?” etc. waiter

Comment: This phrasing is wrong on so many levels that that I’d have to delve into gerunds and participles to explain . . . which nobody really wants me to do. However, it’s easy enough to detect why it’s wrong using the time-honored linguists’ principle of substitution: Imagine saying “How’s that dessert tasting?” or “How’s that fish tasting”? or even “How are all the foods on your table tasting?”  In short, servers could just say “How’s everything tonight?” or “Does everything taste OK?” (Admittedly, those friends who are willing to go to a restaurant with me are tired of me harping on this to otherwise innocent servers.)

Shopkeepers: “You have a good day now.”Dr Phil

Comment: at the risk of sounding churlish, we could do without the excessively good-buddyish “you.”

Someone observing you trip or stumble: “Careful!”

Stumble sign-blog backgroundComment: If the kind-hearted person had cautioned you before you tripped, that might do some good. But though the empathy is appreciated, it’s really pretty pointless to call out after the fact. Frankly, I don’t have a replacement that conveys the well-meaning concern you have so we’re open to suggestions.

Someone disagreeing with you: “That’s just your opinion!”

Comment: There can hardly be a more pointless argument since most things are someone’s opinion or someone’s interpretation of an expert’s opinion or someone’s interpretation of the data. But if one is really giving an opinion, countering it by calling it an opinion puts the discussion in a meaningless downward spiral…”Oh yeah? Well, calling it my opinion is just your opinion!” etc.

Service agent or tech representative wanting to know how to get back in touch with you: “What’s a good number to get in touch with you?” or “What’s the best number to call you back?”

Comment: Y’know, I was thinking I might give you my old discontinued telephone number or my ex-wife’s number or the fax number that I haven’t used for 10 years, but since you want a “good” number I guess I’ll just give you my actual current phone so you can call me when we get disconnected or you need to give me a price quote or whatever.*

tech support pie chartawesome-picture-swimming-pool-1-nice-ideas

Olympic coverage: “And now, in swimming news…”

Comment: I’m all for swimming, and they’re certainly magnificent athletes and I suppose it’s great when someone sets a new world record, but I can’t think of a more boring thing to actually watch (unless you’re a lap swimmer yourself) — half the time the athletes are under water and basically all you see are arms flapping in the water — and the number of times I wonder how the swimming world is coming along is approximately equal to . . . well, never.  

Presidential candidates: “Believe me” and “Trust me, it will be hyuuuuge” and “I heard…”

Comment: I’m not sure when “I heard” became a legitimate way to judge whether “thousands and thTrump-noseworkousands”
of people were celebrating 9/11 in New Jersey, or that the unemployment rate is actually 42 percent, or that your opponent’s email was hacked by foreign governments, or that Vladimir Putin used the N-word about Obama—but I’d like any candidate using this lame phrase to . . . well, fire it.


* related beef: When you dial into a company’s call center and the automated system asks for your phone number and numerous other details, why does the agent have to ask again? I’d understand if they said they just need to confirm the number, but they sound like they’re getting the info for the first time.  I actually heard a news report on this where the commenter said it may often just be a way for the call center agent to stall while they get their screens (or whatever) organized.

Save The Trump!

Sadly, The Donald doesn’t seem to realize that no one ever came out looking good by disparaging the family of a fallen war hero.

But of course that’s just the latest in a long…lonnnnng line of Trumpisms that would have sunk a less vainglorious sociopath who never saw an insult he could rise above.

However, this raises the specterhot water of a big problem for the Democrats: What if Trump continues to blather on and finally gets himself into such hot water that he has to be forcibly ejected from the race?

What if his tax returns, or the Trump “University” scam, or the Trump Foundation tax scandals, or further bankruptcies or attacks on foreign leaders result in him being somehow legally disqualified!

One can already see the RNC’s champion laying the groundwork for defeat by announcing that he “heard” the election is going to be rigged. “I have to be honest,” he added. (Really.)

But if Trump is somehow ejected for legal reasons, that leaves the GOP with the possibility of installing an actual, credible candidate who doesn’t see thousands and thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the destruction of the Twin Towers, who doesn’t hear that the unemployment rate could be as high as 42 percent, who doesn’t wonder if a grieving woman is silent because “she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say” and who doesn’t believe that building high rises is some kind of patriotic sacrifice. “I’ve had tremendous success,” he added (really), apparently confirming the nature of his sacrifices.

I can think of one or two possible replacements who wouldn’t make fence-sitting Dems race to the porcelain clutching their stomachs.

So what the Democratic contender really needs is for the Trumpinator to stay the course and shut his mouth long enough to forestall being indicted until its too late for the Republicans to vet someone new.

Save the Trump! It’s the Democrats’ great white hope.


Update: This essay was posted prior to the most recent news articles, like “GOP officials think Donald Trump might drop out of election” and “The GOP’s Donald Trump freak-out”. Of course I’ve been predicting Trumpageddon for months now and have always been wrong.

 

Cinfully Tasty

strawb in hand(706)CR-contr

 

Due to the phenomenal success of the coolest new summer drink in town (IceKaMo!),IceKaMo-drink(092) fans of Chef Boy R Vee have been clamoring for something tasty to “go with.” It’s actually getting to be something of a nuisance trying to calm down the masses who are simply not content with my Pâté de Spamme Terrine au Jus Mystère or my holiday treat, Fried Bologna Surprise or my Frozen Water Cubes a la Tray.

People, people! Get a grip. A new taste sensation has just been approved for release from the infamous  La Kitschenne 8540 (a Franco-German term that I may have made up while I was not at culinary school.)

We’re calling it The Cinful Strawb.

The inspiration came as I was testing out the concept on my back patio that ants will not cross a line of cinnamon. Crazy, eh? But to find out, I needed an industrial size jar of cinnamon — not just your casual, rookie-size, dilettante’s spice rack container.

Having conducted the experiment, I found that I had plenty of cinnamon left over and started wondering what to do with it.

Who can say where inspiration comes from? You got your Mozarts, your Picassos, your jailhouse rock Elvae. Personally, I like to get mine eating my Corn Flakes. And thus it was while slicing some strawberries that my muse paid a call.

The recipe is ridiculously easy:

  1. Slice a strawberry in half
  2. Spray some ReddiWip on it (or real whipped cream for extra sinfulness)
  3. Sprinkle your cinnamon on it
  4. Stick a toothpick somewhere in the vicinity to give it a classy Frenchie look

Voila: the slightly naughty, delightfully indulgent Cinful Strawb.

Cinful Strawb-side(178)

And will ants cross a cinnamon Maginot Line?

Apparently not. But it’s fun watching them try.


All photos copyright J. Veihdeffer

New drink beats the heat

It’s new, it’s fun, it’s dang tasty — the perfect thing for days when the temperature goes above 110 F.*

It’s the IceKaMo!™IceKaMo-drink(092)

I invented this two weeks ago, really, and already it’s generating a blizzard of interest.

Ingredients:

  • Ice cubes
  • Kahlúa
  • Starbucks Frappucino Mocha
  • Espresso coffee

Start by getting out your handy espresso device (or just brew some coffee — by the time you add the Kahlúa and Mocha you won’t care if it’s one of your fancypants Keurig espresso brews or plain old Yuban.)

Personally, I just get my north central Phoenix neighborhood Grinders espresso mix and pop it into my castespresso(091) iron Bed Bath and Beyond cheapo stovetop unit (I really ought to get some kickbacks for all these product placements, eh?)

Brewing the coffee is really the only time-consuming aspect of this.

Ready?

Get your desired coffee drinking unit and put a bunch** of ice cubes in it. Get your Kahlúa and pour maybe a capful over the ice. Now pour your steaming coffee in the glass. Finally, pour about a shots-worth of the creamy cold Mocha in and watch the taste bud tempters roiling around in there.

IceKaMo(090)


* I may have just plucked that temperature out of thin air. The IceKaMo is suitable for consuming at any Earth temperature. Today, for example, as I type this, it’s 113 in Phoenix.
** “bunch” – sorry to get all culinary/technical on you but for those of you who don’t have your Kitchen Confidential  handy, a “welter” or “handful” of ice cubes will do just fine. And by the way, don’t actually use the cap  of the Kahlúa bottle…it will get ridiculously sticky and make your Kahlúa life a living hell.

 

 

 

Ruh roh…SRP at the door!

Nationstar-check-corner(086)-CR

 

As Dave Barry says regarding the biblical figure of Abram, “With all due respect to God, when He appears to people in the Old Testament, it generally is not a lighthearted occasion.”

So too when you hear the doorbell and see an electric company truck in front.

In this case it was an SRP truck, which is a bit odd since my neighborhood in Phoenix uses APS for our electrical needs.

However, I know that the Arizona Canal, which runs past my house, is managed by SRP (Salt River Project).Canal sign-cell(150)

So it was with some trepidation that I saw the man with an SRP uniform standing there holding a slip of paper.

Was it a summons of some kind? A bill? Did someone catch me exceeding the bike speed limit on the canal path (not bloody likely considering how the guys wearing Spiderman outfits whiz past me on a regular basis).

The guy said “hello” and asked my name. He held forth the slip of paper, a check for $35 as it turned out, which I immediately recognized as the check I had planned to deposit at the ATM that morning during my return trip on my regular early morning canal ride.  I had blown off the bank detour in favor of…well in favor of trying to hit a time goal…and, frankly, completely forgot about the check in my shorts.

The SRP guy said that some man on the canal who had left his phone there found the check. When SRP tracked down the phone-forgetter, he told them about the endorsed check he had found.

Since my name and address were on the check, SRP took the trouble to drive over to my humble abode.

I would have liked to call the phone forgetter but the SRP guy either didn’t have it or wasn’t authorized to give it out.

Nationstar check(087)-CR-FX4

So, the phone-forgetter got his phone back, I got my check back and the canal ducks can get back to quacking themselves up at the heedless humans in their habitat.

“Blue Highways” revisited: What I accidentally found

I was recently looking for my copy of “Blue Highways” to hunt down a particular theme I wanted to recall about “the Midwest.” Finding the book was a bit of a feat considering that I couldn’t remember if I had shelved it under L H or M (the author is William Least Heat Moon). And further, was it with fiction paperbacks or some quirky non-fiction category?

Blue Highways ppb

But here’s the strange and wonderful thing…

When I pulled the book from a shelf after just a minute of looking, I found that it was a beat up old paperback and that got me to wondering how it happened to come into my possession. I frequented library used book sales a lot back in the pre-Amazon day so I figured that’s where I picked it up.

But as I opened it to the dedication page, I found a hand-scripted note from a dear friend, grad school mate, drinking buddy and poet/scholar/steelworker who died a few years ago.

Blue Highways - Sheridan note

This was apparently given to me the very week of my relocation road trip from Ohio to Phoenix. I could see that Jack had undoubtedly picked it up 2nd-hand himself, possibly 3rd-hand. The book has battered page corners and is filled with underlines and notations that are clearly not my style (I’m a highlighter) — none of which I would tolerate if it was a used Amazon book.

Blue Highways notations

But the chain of handing-downs, most especially the long-forgotten inscription from Jack, makes this a one-of-a-kind heirloom.

I’m not sure who wrote the various marginal notes but I’d like to think I see Jack Sheridan’s poetic mind at work, busy pilfering and processing phrases like “a town of portico and pediment,” or “wings akilter” and “the room, redolent with fish and diesel fuel…” for use in his own poems.