It’s a long way from Easter to Pentecost

For those who follow such things, you know that this year Mardi Gras — “fat Tuesday” — was Feb. 16 and thus Lent began Wed. Feb. 17, running 40 days (but, intriguingly, not including Sundays, which are kind of olly-olly-oxen-free¹ for stuff you “gave up” for Lent.)

Easter-time Argentine Giant (click on pic for glorious full view)

Stay with me here.

With Easter having arrived April 4, the next “liturgical biggie” (to use the formal theological term), is Pentecost Sunday, May 23.Now, the word pentecost means “50th (day)” (like pentagram, a 5-pointed star) because the ancient religiosos liked to do things in multiples of 7. So Pentecost is really the 7th Sunday after Easter, or 7 times 7 days, plus one.

(I like to remember this as Pentecost bringing a “plus-one” to Easter.)

Of course everyone likes to give stuff up for Lent but then what do they do?…just start indulging in smoking, swearing, snacking on Cheetos and eating Spam sandwiches?

This year I decided not to give up my usual cravings for kale, fennel, decoupage, taxidermy, mortal combat, speaking in tongues, hand origami, running headlong into glass doors…yada yada yada.

Instead, I shall be continuing this Lent’s newfound tradition of “Giving up giving up stuff.”²

And to demonstrate my religiosity in this slow walk approach to Whitsunday, sometimes called “the day of the swingin’ Holy Ghost,” I shall be giving up giving up the following items:

  • Being a know-it-all
  • Showering and bathing every day
  • Shining my shoes as if I was going to a fancy party
  • Laughing out loud in malls
  • Going to malls
  • Making snarky Facebook comments
  • Making supposedly humorous comments on my sister’s blog
  • Walking softly with a big stick
  • Highlighting interesting passages in library books

Oh, wait, now I’ve confused myself as to what I’m not giving up! And there’s still four weeks to go before Pentecost.

Maybe I’ll just let you, dear reader, decide which one or two major things I should actually give up for the rest of the season.

——————-

Argentine Giant photo courtesy of nature photography pro, Audrey Szoke of Auditries Studio
¹ “Olly olly oxen free” seems to be a mutation of something like “All ye all ye outs in in free” or “all’y all’y come in free.” That is, all who are “out” may come in without penalty
² The idea of “giving up giving up” was suggested by the short story “Lent and Given” in the picaresque novel A Good Map of All Things by Alberto Alvaro Rios, University of Arizona Press, 2020

Trump: “Dreamer”!

As TrumpWorld draws to its inevitable conclusion, like a bad TV series that has finally jumped the shark, I’ve come to a startling insight which I will enshrine in whatever the opposite of a eulogy is…an obloquy?

But first, some notes on dreaming.

I’ve been journaling my dreams off and on now for more than two years. And while I’ve noticed certain themes the main takeaways seems to be:

  • ridiculous or nonsensical elements that make sense during the dream but have zero relevance upon waking. Sure, there are often clear “instigations” from daily events but a lot of times these are from 10 or 20 years ago.
  • often the nonsensicality comes from bizarre combinations of otherwise straightforward narratives: I’m going to a building but the route is a hodgepodge of turns, misdirections, vehicle changes and hidden closets; or I’m playing tennis but using a BIC lighter instead of a tennis ball.
  • there are a surprising number of very specific nonsense words or phrases — “ugaritic,” “Anibindale,” “Herri”…

And this is where my epiphany about Donald Trump arose.

Trump is a Dreamer! (ahem, not the kind of undocumented DACA immigrant students brought here by their parents.)

No, Trump is a sort of real-life dreamer because he confabulates crazy, unrelated, nonsensical concepts into a running narrative that changes moment by moment…like a pinball game operated by a goat.

  • People flushing the toilet 10 to 15 times! Where did that come from? Certainly not from his own experience at Trump Tower or the White House…or anywhere he’s likely to have been.

  • Windmills cause cancer! (“I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody.”) [April 2, 2019 speech]
  • “Seeing” thousands of Muslims across the river celebrating the 9/11 attack! How could he have seen and reported something that clearly never happened…except in his dreamlike brain? (“I watched in Jersey City where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building [World Trade Center] was coming down.”) [WaPo]

Then there’s crazy actions such as shamelessly smooching a flagpole like it’s a girlfriend you haven’t seen for 2 years……or shaking hands interminably with foreign leaders…like you’re never going to let go. (19 seconds with grimacing Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe).

…or thinking that we had airports during the American revolutionary war. (Or maybe we did have airports…120 years before we needed them)

And then there’s the quirky wordage:  ‘covfefe’ (see also Business Insider); the imaginary nation of “Nambia“; “the cyber” [2016 presidential debate]; 1,000 “hamberders” for the Clemson football team. As he says, “I know words…I have the best words.”[LL Journal]

So “Dreamer” or “Pinball goat wizard”?

“We’ll see what happens.” [NPR]


“ugaritic,” “Anib” and “Herri” (among others) and the image of playing tennis with a BIC lighter are all from actual dreams
Believe or not, I came up with the metaphor of goat pinball on my own and then went hunting for an image on the wild off-chance that I’d find something. Voila!

Fun new words!

Here are some fun new words (or maybe just new to me) — including a brand new one (called a neologism by linguists) that I just made up…at the end!

Fauxpology — “Apologies are such important verbal transactions. So why are so many of them soooo bad? McCarthy & Ingall from SorryWatch and Beaudin of fauxpolo.gy pinpoint what to look out for, to sort the apologies from the fauxpologies.” In particular, watch out for so-called apologies like “If anyone was offended…” or “I regret…” (which is more about the speaker than the victim).

Chumbox — boxes at the side or bottom of a web page that have several pieces of clickbaity “sponsored content” or “suggested reading.” This one isn’t really new, but it’s nice to know there’s a word for this most annoying of all website ad gimmicks. Tip: never click on anything that says “Never do this,” “Do this every day” or “I beg…”

Note: this is a real web ad I’ve inserted as a graphic; do not try this at home!

Dispronunciation — someone saying a name incorrectly on purpose. Whereas ‘misinformation’ is information that happens to be false, and ‘disinformation’ is false information purposely spread, and ‘mispronunciation’ is simply someone trying struggling to say our name — but dispronunciation is when you mispronounce for some political or literary (perhaps satirical) purpose.
   Example: When Sen. David Perdue (R) of Georgia, referred to his colleague of many years as “Kamala-mala-mala, I don’t know, whatever!”, he was mispronouncing on purpose, for political, supposedly comic effect. Fox News host Tucker Carlson was also notoriously guilty, though it doesn’t appear he actually knew the correct pronunciation

Firehosing — propaganda technique that involves pushing out as many lies as possible as often as possible. Example: The systemic strategy that anti

Duane Gish arguing against evolution

-vaxxers use to spread misinformation. (The Guardian, Nov 7, 2019, Science communicator Lucky Tran)]
–see also Gish Gallop: a rhetorical technique that involves overwhelming your opponent with as many arguments as possible, with no regard for the relevance, validity, or accuracy of those arguments.¹

Hygge — the art of coziness in the home, which Danes call “hygge” (pronounced: hoo-gah or HUE-gah). One key way to create an atmosphere of contentment is through lighting, focusing on warm lights and simple designs to turn your home into a Scandinavian haven.

Braille parking (from the book Corked, p43) — where you maneuver the car around into a parking spacing using other cars to bounce into place

Elevator gaze — when you look someone up and down

And now…some COVID-era terms

Body mullet: What people wear on Zoom calls: a nice top…but below the waist, underwear or less. (“Business on top, party down below.”)

 

 

 

 

Domino distancing: When the person behind you in line stands too close, causing you to crowd the person in front of you, and on and on until everyone dies.

New “days of the week”: Someday, Noneday, Whoseday?, Whensday?, Blursday, Whyday?, Doesn’tmatterday

Power break — alternative to “having a nervous breakdown.” Basically, what the Brits call a “mini-break” except it’s not a long weekend getaway, more like a planned “disconnection from work” after a grueling period. Coined by Jerry Useem in March 2021 Atlantic

And ta da…Introducing my new word!

Soultel : (1) a place where you send your soul when you need to do something a bit shady; (2) a place you send your over-wrought soul for a needed vacay (e.g., instead of having a nervous breakdown)


¹named after the behavior of creationist Duane Gish in formal debates [ Debates and the Globetrotters by Eugenie C. Scott (July 7, 1994) The TalkOrigins Archive.] Also called a Trump Tirade[2]  or the Alex Avalanche.
And some last-minute additions:

Don’t you dunh-dunh me! (mimicking the Law & Order theme)

Deepities — apparent profundities that really aren’t: “Love is just a word,” (Daniel Dennett)

“Quote-mining” – taking a quote out of context (Jesus & Mo cartoon)

“The sweet sound of a bullet whizzing past my ear” – John Oliver discussing not having his show scheduled during Impeachment II

Amazing revelation from the Harkies!

This will blow your mind when you find out what the Harkies revealed!

Although I normally can’t stand to watch either the Harkies (Prince Harry and Duchess Markie) or Oprah, they’ve been on the news pretty continually ever since Trump tweets thankfully faded away, so it’s pretty hard to avoid them.

And now, the March 7 Oprah interview has yielded a bombshell news flash.

In fact, it was such a breathtakingly stark revelation of the “invisible contract” that the royals have with the media that it caused Oprah to give her sternest expression of surprise as she said…

Now, here’s what Harry blurted out:

“If you’re willing to wine and dine and give full access to these reporters then you will get better press!!!!”

(Actual quote but I’ve added the exclamation points)

OMG, OMG OMG.

It appears that not only had Harry neglected to inform Markie about Royal Family protocols (like curtseying and not calling the queen “Liz), but the Family had neglected to tell Harry himself how the news media works!

TV Host Seth Meyers Sets New “Speed Mumbling” Record

Much as we love NBC’s Late Night with Seth Meyers, someone needs to tell Seth to cool it a bit with his rapid fire “Closer Look” monologues — he’salmostsettingmytvcaptionsonfirewith his ridiculously fast delivery. Yeah, rapid speech can gives a nice sense of urgency and humorous banter……but it can also make your ears hurt.

As an example, our research team took a closer look at a 31-second segment of his March 11, 2021 CL segment and, based on captions, estimated that he was able to grind out 165 words, or 330 words per minute (wpm)*

Now, to put this in perspective, the average conversation rate for English speakers in the United States is about 150 wpm. (Virtual Speech)

    • Radio hosts and podcasters: between 150-160 wpm
    • Auctioneers and Commentators: between 250-400 wpm

A study reported by Forbes shows that the fastest TV news speech segments (WPSG-Phila) came in 185 wpm and the CNN average is 154 wpm.

Meanwhile, Steven Woodmore, a British electronics salesman and comedian known for his rapid speech articulation has been clocked at 637 wpm, a speed four times faster than the average person.

So, maybe Seth is getting paid by his word count and figures the Sea Captain isn’t paying rent anymore; but really, Seth, can ya just slow it down to at least lower-auctioneer levels?

Your cue card holder will thank you too.


* Admittedly our research team is not exactly Max Planck, Annenberg School or MIT-level but we stand by our estimates. What we did was clock a particularly furiously paced segment that ran 31 seconds. We couldn’t keep up with actual word count in our captions (and freezing the screen makes the captions disappear) so we counted the number of lines and assumed an average of 5-word-per-complete-line. That gave us a total of 165 words for the studied portion, which, due to our less than exemplary algebra skills, we rounded to a half-minute. Multiplying by 2 we get 330 wpm or 5.5 words/second (wps). The CNN average is a mere 2.57 wps and the slowest TV newscast in the 2019 Forbes report was 1.28 wps.
It has been said that John F. Kennedy sometimes talked fast, very fast–enough to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for rate of speaking. During a December 1961 speech, he supposedly spoke 327 words in just one minute. Of course these records don’t always take into account filled pauses (“uh”),  or whether the speaker continued the rate for the entire speech. And the Kennedy feat has some questionable aspects to it (see the U Penn “Language Log” if you really want the wonky details)

 

And now for something completely different

Odds bodkins!*

Today we take a break from the usual heavy-handed linguistic and political curmudgeonry to take a look at some peculiar items I’ve discovered over the past few weeks

First: a toilet. Nothing unusual about a toilet, per se, but finding one abandoned along a side street in SoSco (south Scottsdale to you newbies) has us in a puzzlement.

Next up: a doorway with mysterious inscription. Maybe realtors know what this is about but we’re not ruling out an impending Passover visit from a Death Angel.

 

Number 3 is not really “odd” in the usual sense since it clearly has a well-defined purpose in these pandemic times: to open a lavatory door hands-free. It’s just that we’ve never seen such a thing, especially in a building that only has about 10 people a day trooping through. Nevertheless, way to go Glendale Community College!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This next scene is both sad and confusing. It appears a person, probably a driver, at a nice apartment complex, simply decided to open their car door and deposit a used Slurpee cup, lid and straw in the open parking space instead of the nice dumpster about 20 feet away. Not to excuse homeless folks leaving their debris along the canal, but one wonders what’s going on in otherwise rational people’s minds as they litter frivolously. (I’m reminded of my days in Saudi where men simply dropped their pre-paid telecom cards on the sidewalk absent-mindedly after entering the code into the cell phone)

Ok, this next one is admittedly a bit of a setup, at least partially. I was laying out some potstickers for dinner and accidentally plunked two of them down together… and then happened to chop a bit of mushroom, which fell into the “mouth.” (Full disclosure: I did nudge the mushroom slice a bit for photographic charm. I think I heard the potsticker mumble something like “All right, I’m ready for my closeup.”)

I wish I had spent more time getting a perfect view of this yard art adorning a Sunnyslope front yard but you can get the idea: a shovel, rake, tool yoke of some kind and whatever that beak is made of…and it’s “Cock-a-doodle doo!” neighbors. (And FYI, in my neighborhood there are at least two rooster lairs a few blocks apart. Unlike what you might think, they seem to call out at all hours of the day, usually for about 20 minutes)

As I was getting ready to post this, I heard from a birder that this critter is not really so unusual to find in the Valley. Sadly, I can’t remember where I tucked away the info, so if you can provide the identity, I would be much obliged.

And now, the “alternative rover” on Mars: Schmerseverance!

It’s nice to end with music, Maestro. (And I didn’t even get paid for this masterwork on the MIM’s theremin, aka etherphone)

https://youtu.be/tIPuGtvW6JQ (w mask)

 


* In case you’re wondering, a bodkin is a small tool for piecing holes in leather and has been transformed over time into what linguists call a minced oath or euphemism for God’s body: ‘Cheese and rice’ (Jesus Christ), ‘dagnamit’ (God damn it’), ‘What the fork!’ (a running gag on the delightful NBC series The Good Place)
Here’s a “hands-only version of the theremin masterpiece. https://youtu.be/QEPHfBVxfek (hands)
Bonus: air guitar case!

…and here’s one of the neighborhood roosters out for a stroll

 

New Words: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

updated 14 Feb, 2021

Trigger alert: This particular post is mostly for word nerds . . . but feel free to jump in and ride along

 

Let’s start with a new word that we’re giving a thumbs up:

“De-platform” — verb: to deny someone the ability to post on social media or more generally, remove someone ranting and orating on a stage or in a forum. Although the term is often set solid (no hyphen), I think the hyphen helps recognize that it’s not deplat. While there’s certainly controversy about whether this infringes on 1st Amendment free speech, the rise of misinformation, disinformation and just whacked out Q’formation makes this a useful thing to do

Now…to the bad guys

“De-fund the police” — this phrase is nothing but ammunition for Far Righters and Q-heads who think it means not paying for police departments. The folks who came up with it should be ashamed since it works against everything they really want, which is simply to “fund” or empower social agencies and personnel to work with situations that don’t call for military intervention: domestic squabbles, shoplifting, selling single cigarettes on the street, being attacked by Karens, etc.

“Cancel culture” — There’s nothing wrong with withdrawing support for a person or organization, or more directly, to boycott an organization deemed offensive. The term was maybe OK for one-time-use but has gotten wayyyy out of hand and is now just a way to whimper about not being invited to the party. Calling it a “culture” is simply dog-whistle* whining from people upset about their words being used against them. Now, doxing or trolling people you disagree with, on the other hand, is not taking away support–it’s attacking them.

This next one is officially “iffy” — as in, it’s OK for some situations.

“Drop” as in “to post” or publish or make publicly available. A band “drops” their new song or album on the Internet somewhere. Fine. But there are so many other meanings to the verb —drop acid, drop the book on the floor, drop over to see someone, give someone a drop of lemon, drop a dime on someone, drop your toxic relationship — that it doesn’t make sense to use it for any kind of new thing that has “just come out.” (There’s a nice discussion on this music forum.)

“Woke” – Although the word likely goes back to 2008 and picked up speed in 2014, meaning self-awareness of social injustice, especially racial tension, it really seems to have gained traction in 2016 and 2017 (when it was added to Merriam-Webster). But in the Language Team’s opinion, it just sounds goofy in practically any sentence structure. “He’s so woke!” “We need to get some woke people on this.” “I wish everyone was as woke as X about Y.”

So, it is time to put it to rest…so to speak. <Insert gavel-drop sound>

 

 

 

 

And the in-betweens:

“Disrupt” — this started becoming annoying several years ago when an insurance company started dropping (ack!) web ads and chumboxes about how some MIT grads were disrupting the industry. The ads themselves were, at best disingenuous and misleading. The concept grew especially (IMHO) with the rise of Donald Trump who was seen as a sort of positive disrupter—someone who doesn’t pussyfoot (sorry!) around with small talk and bland “business as usual” practices that don’t get the job done. Instead, the disrupter actively short circuits programs that aren’t working.  There are still very useful situations for the term — “The angry child disrupted their meeting with a tantrum” but when you see it being used in a marketing campaign, it’s probably just marketing drivel.

“Swipe left/swipe right”to cancel or approve, depending on which way you swipe. Surprisingly, we hear it’s being used on dating websites or apps where there’s no actual swiping to be done.

“What’s the ‘ask’?” — Our team of linguists has mixed verdicts on this. On the one hand, saying “ask” instead of “request” is indeed shorter, and shorter is usually better. But on the other foot, it’s turning a simple, serviceable verb into a somewhat hard-to-distinguish noun (“ast”?) for no really good reason. “What are they asking for?” gets the job done without too much disruption to our ear drums.

“Mainstream media” (aka MSM) — this is a tricky one because the term does help us distinguish between source generally recognized as reputable such as NYT, WaPO, PBS, AP,  BBC, et al, versus…well, versus what? Small, independent sources and local newspapers without a national audience? Or far-left and far-right sources that either clearly present their biases or hide them? In our view, the term was created, or popularized as a way of legitimizing “alternate” media, much like the term “allopathy” was invented by homeopathy to legitimize their field—that is, a term with no purpose other than to set a place at the table for some group.

So the problem with using the phrase is that it’s now almost totally used derogatorily, like “Well, if you listen to what the MSM is saying about…”. We are reminded of how disgraced political hack Rick Gates refers to “the media” as a sort of monolithic entity-person that simply does whatever it pleases.

Bring it back!

“Disinterested” — this term, meaning to be impartial or not having a stake or personal interest in the outcome, has had a long history of reversals. Like a lot of words in Englishflirt, cute, awful, girl, naughty, nice —it has completely flipped over from historic use but has now settled into a perfectly useful meaning. Nevertheless, we are more and more hearing people use it simply to mean “not interested,” for which we have a perfectly good term already: uninterested.

A personal, local peeve

“Old Town” to describe downtown Scottsdale, Ariz. First off, the city called “The West’s Most Western Town” but really should be “The West’s Most Narrow Corridor,”* isn’t even among the state’s oldest cities and towns. And a casual bike ride through the downtown area shows that it’s mostly filled with fancy art galleries, upscale new restaurants and clubs, modern civic buildings and music venues in malls and parks. I think the problem comes from various neighborhoods not being able to figure out where their personal downtown is: Kierland (actually in Phoenix but uses a Scottsdale mailing address)? High Street? Shea & Scottsdale Rd? Fashion Square? Scottsdale Quarter? I actually had a friend once who told me that she and her girlfriend were going to go shopping “downtown”—but it turned out she meant AJ’s Fine Foods at Pinnacle Peak and Pima.

In the meantime, we are pleased to see that our new additions to the language are being enthusiastically adopted: SoSco (south Scottsdale) and NoSco (north Scottsdale). We have also heard that SoMo is now in play for South Mountain (aka Ahwatukee)


*“dog whistle” refers to use of coded or suggestive language–especially in political messaging–to make a point to your own audience with provoking opposition. This kind of language gives the speaker “plausible deniability“…like saying “urban voters” which your audience know means “inner city Blacks.” or “family values” which your audience will interpret as “Christian.”
**31 miles long from north to south and 11 miles wide…but really 3 or 4 miles wide in places.

𝓝𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓒𝓞𝓥𝓘𝓓 (vaccine)

8 Feb. 2021

It’s Sunday night — Monday morning on Feb. 8 actually — and I’ve allowed about 30 minutes to drive cross town to State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Ariz. I had given myself a 40-minute nap ahead of time just to make sure I didn’t doze off somewhere in the process. I had heard that it only took about 15 minutes, but other reports said an hour. (The discrepancy is easily explained, below)

I arrived at exactly 12:30 am — 15 min. early, as advised for my 12:42 appointment — at State Farm Stadium. The road (95th Ave.) was very well marked with wayfinding signs and arrows.

Volunteers with light sabers guided the cars through the stadium parking lot laid out with an elaborate maze of well-coned lanes.

I had my personal ID, teacher badge as well as my QR code ready on my phone, but no one asked for the IDs, just the email with my appointment info. It turns out the smartest thing I had done all night was finding my appointment info email and forwarding it to my more convenient cell phone email address. That’s all the guy wanted. He didn’t even check the QR code.

As I progressed through, it appeared that there were about 50 or 75 vehicles in the mix…but at 12:45 AM it’s hard to tell and I was busy not running into traffic cones.

The 1st checkpoint seemed to be mainly about verifying my appointment and getting me into the lanes. After getting past the checkpoint, I proceeded through the maze to another checkpoint where they verified me as “1st shot” and marked my car window in chalk with my ID and other codes. (Although the lot was well-coned with orange-vested light saber people at each turn, it was handy to be following a white car.) At this checkpoint, the agent asked the expected health status questions and whether I had had any vaccination in the past two weeks. (So that answers the question of how long to wait after a shingles shot, which I had got on Dec. 31, five weeks before—I mean, what else are you going to do on a COVID New Year’s Eve?)

The 2nd checkpoint directed me to a series of lanes with more orange vests helping distribute the cars evenly.

I seem to have got behind a car that took a lot of extra time (like being stuck in a grocery store line behind someone with coupons. But, after all, it was 12:40am or so and I really had nowhere else to be.)  So about 5-7 minutes after I had arrived at the 1st checkpoint I was at the dose station, which took about 45-seconds. I never did figure why the SUV ahead took 3 or 4 minutes. I flashed my “official Super Bowl ring” (official to me) all along, eliciting grins at each station. It was, after all, Super Bowl Sunday and I was at a Super Bowl football stadium (2015)En route to the final station a strolling volunteer/official took my info and gave me my follow-up appt. reservation: Feb 28, along with a confirmation card that I need to bring next time. I agreed to the appt. date and time but later wondered if I’d get an email confirmation since within 2 minutes I couldn’t remember if it was 9:24 or 9:42! One of the strolling volunteers said it wouldn’t really matter as long as I was there approximately on time.

Now I was directed to a final station where they would be doing a sort of after-check and waiting period for the expected 15 minutes before leaving. The nurses had marked my windshield with the time of administration. I really only had to wait 3 or 4  minutes. However, as usual, the car ahead that I’d been following took 8 or 9 minutes. The agent at this station and I chatted pleasantly — it was her duty to keep each car for the requisite remaining time. I asked why the previous car had taken so long — “not complaining, mind you, just wondering” — and she said the driver must have been able to move quickly from the dose station, which meant a longer wait at the final station. But since I was behind the same car the final two stations, I kind of doubted that. Or maybe that’s what the extra wait at the dose station was about. It looked like there was some complication there before they could wave her through—you know, just like the coupons-&-cash person at the grocery store.

I pulled out just about 12:55 AM and was back on the highway by 1 AM, home by 1:25. Total time elapsed: Midnight Sunday to 1:30 AM Monday: an hour and a half–which is probably why some people say it took 15 minutes and others say an hour or so.

Because of my nap earlier, I was pretty awake so made myself a snack, had some wine and watched TV for an hour.

I’m now somewhat nervously awaiting any after-effects. However, the other good news is that I had my 2nd appointment verified by email by 9 AM.

Overall verdict: Way to go, medical people, volunteers and organizers!


Follow up note: no after-effects whatsoever after a day and a half. However, the 2nd dose could be a different result, from what I hear.
In case you’re scheduled for State Farm: Directions from Central & Dunlap: Glendale Ave to 95th Ave, south, past Maryland, to West Parking Lot. Or 101 to Glendale Ave exit, east one block to 95th Ave.

To flap…or not to flap

I guess it depends on whether you’re a hawk doing a quick look-see around the field on the reservation…or an American Airlines CRJ-900 on arrival at PHX Sky Harbor at sunset–in which case your flaps are definitely down. (We just hope the airplane is carrying wine.)

We call these “moments of aerial ariZen.” Just watch…and relax. Nothing bad is going to happen.

Annals of Bad Package Design: Part 2

When last we visited, we left you at that scrumptious breakfast, but now the time has come for dins.

<click on any pic to enlarge>

Dang, I loves me some orange chicken!

What the package doesn’t tell you is that it’s 85% rice and just a few measly pieces of chicken. But the package pic seems to be saying it’s mostly or at least half orange chicken.

OK, time to open the wine, maybe a nice bottle of Bar Dog or Hogwash

Now, we enjoy the ritual of slicing the foil and pulling out the cork (when we’re not just unscrewing the lid on Sheep Thrills). But sometimes the blade isn’t so sharp and we spend precious wine time getting that dang foil cut.

The solution is amazingly simple and hardly seems like it would add anything to the price of the bottle: a simple tear tab!

Interestingly, the only place we have found bottlers using the simple “tear tab” on a regular basis is Egypt. Yes, we’ve seen a few American examples, but verrrry few. But for some reason, a nice bottle of Pharaoh, Obelisk, Omar Khayam, Ayam, Grand Marquis or Zaman in Cairo typically comes with a convenient tear tab for the foil. (Yes, I’ve tried them all.) And we still get the pleasure of uncorking.

Next up: jars. Here’s a common and seemingly easy-to-fix problem. Note that the foil lid has only the slightest, if any tabs to peel it off. This is particularly annoying with smaller items like spice bottles.

C’mon packagers! How hard is it to put a bit of foil that we can get our fingers on?

And now <insert drum roll>,

Our nominee for the worst frozen food packaging of all time!

This looks pretty yummy, right? (I mean, if you like sliders.) The first, and main problem is…it’s a total fake out. The box promises you’ll get 6 mini-burgers, but in fact, you get one! Because it’s a single frozen unit in a plastic bag with only slight indentations between each one. And the cooking instructions tell you to cook it in the bag. So, in effect, you have to cook the whole package at the same time. It’s not a “six count”…it’s a one count!

Next problem. It’s late and you just don’t feel like cooking a healthful meal so you reach into the freezer for the package. Now try to figure out the cooking directions. Grrrr.

 

Here…we’ll help you out with a close up view

 

 

You can microwave. Or, you can, um, use the microwave…oh, but it’s really an oven method. And then there’s the, um, oven method.

Adding to the cooking problem is that the Kroger fiends have sprinkled the entire tray with cheese sprinkles. Lots of them. (shown here, uncooked). We can’t even imagine what it would be like to peel off the cooking bag from a tray of oozing cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s enough to make a single fella take up home cooking!*


* For a good example of our culinary chops (so to speak), check out Cof’veve Salade au Spamme Internationale.

You can also request the recipe for our holiday specialty, “Flaming Bologna Surprise,” from Stories I Never Told My Family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I’m known for my French cuisine…

  • La Merde dans un Chapeau Verte,
  • Petits Cubes D’eau Glacée (Small Frozen Cubes of Ice)
  • Paté de Spamme Terrine (au jus de mystère)

…but I never forget my Great Lakes heritage:

  • Smoke-infused Cajun Lenten Perch,
  • Deep Fried Lake Erie Loon on a Stick