Vigil Aunties: Part VI

1 June 2024

Note: this is a work in progress. Any film or theater moguls who wish to stage this are welcome to contact me.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

PART VI: We got swatters, beware

Anonymous letter to the editor

You people know who you are. You make fake 911 emergency calls intended to send armed police to your victims’ houses saying that some judge or public figure has murdered their spouse or is being burglarized. It’s happening to both side of the political spectrum—Republicans and Democrats alike.

But we’re on the case and with our elite corps of Grand Nerds, we’re closing in on you. Yes, this letter is being sent anonymously — the very thing our organization is fighting against. And we have no way of knowing if the papers and online media will post it. Still …

---

Tell It Brother!

 “Can I get an ‘Amen’!

[It was not a request.]

Pastor Steven was 20 minutes into what he likes to call his “philippic.” It was a sort of diatribe. Not quite a sermon. Not a homily. More of an assault on government interference in church matters. In this case, he was assaulting officialdom’s banning of prayer in school and statues of the 10 commandments, along with dangerous COVID vaccines, placing bibles in city offices and setting up lovely manger displays at the courthouse.

The assembled parishioners were lively.

“Talk that talk!”

“Tell us more!”

“Amen brother Steven!”

Throughout the massive church space, endowed with high tech 3D video screens, praise music speakers, and lighting effects, Pastor Steven’s voice boomed out. Hands were raised up with accompanying closed eyes. Women (and men) were shimmying and shivering uncontrollably.

There was nothing about works of charity, forgiveness of sins, visions of heavenly delights to come.

“Can you all believe that the guv’ment won’t even allow us to open a city council meeting with a simple prayer? Last week one of our local grade schools—I can’t even bring myself to mention the name but it begins with ‘Martin Luther’…and not the great theologian! — had the nerve to stop the principal from…

Suddenly a booming, echo’y youthful voice came over the speakers, but not the speakers exactly, more like the rafters:

Excuse the interruption. Um. Wait, let me make a small adjustment. Not used to booming into one of these big basilicas. But Pastor…Steven is it?…

[The booming voice quiets a bit]

   Ah, there, that’s a bit better. Pastor Steven, You seem to have gotten off track a bit with all that what you call ‘cancel culture’ stuff. Shouldn’t you be inspiring the folks with good news about redemption and charitable works?

     Wait, let me get my Mother. She’s a bit less grandiose about these things.

At this point the booming voice gives way to a woman’s more gentle, yet still space-encompassing tones.

Thanks Son. What we want to say Steve’o is that you might want to let up on all the ‘guv’ment’ folderol. Oh, do you folks still use that word? It seems to Us, if we can use that pronoun, that you need to go back to bible school and cut out all this nonsense about banning prayer in school. No one has ever stopped a Christian from praying, anywhere, anytime. See, prayer, as our old friend Paul used to say is essentially a personal interaction with God. No words even need to be said aloud. Now, can I get an ‘amen’?