With the recent discovery of “building blocks of life” on Mars by NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity (published in Science on June 7), the portal is once again open to speculation as to whether this possible “life” may have actually visited Earth in the past. Evidence of such visitations are found in the Pyramids of Egypt, Atlantis, Machu Picchu, Roswell, Stonehenge, the Creation Museum in Kentucky and Mar-a-Lago.
With all these excursions, jaunts, sprees and expeditions, the possibility arises of alien genetic interactions with humans. With this background, we present as a public service, the following assessment of your own likelihood of alien heritage.
This is a test of the Emergency Alien System. The podcasters of your area, in voluntary cooperation with ICE, EPA, Breitbart News, InfoWars, Coast to Coast AM, the National Park Service and other authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an Alien emergency. If this had been an actual emergency you would be instructed where to turn for news and official information. Don’t wait to find out the truth about yourself from some unsavory character on the street. Take the test below. Remember: this is only a test.
- Do you come from outer space? [YES] [NO]
- Are you radioactive? [YES] [NO]
- Are you televisionactive? [YES] [NO]
- Do you have a launching pad in your backyard? [YES] [NO]
- Are you allergic to Kryptonite? [YES] [NO]
- Do you have relatives in a parallel universe? [YES] [NO]
- Do you sometimes get the feeling that you know what someone is thinking before they speak? [YES] [NO]
- Are you required to report your current address to NASA every January? [YES] [NO]
- Have you ever fantasized that there may be someone named Max Planck? [YES] [NO]
- Did you mail in the warranty card on your orgone regenerator? [YES] [NO]
- Do you eat from squeeze tubes? [YES] [NO]
- Do you collect stamps? [YES] [NO]
- Do you qwertyuiop? [YES] [NO]
- Do you want to qwertyuiop with me? [YES] [NO]
- Do you you own a mylar dog? [YES] [NO]
- Do you wear bib overalls and you’re not a farmer? [YES] [NO]
- Do you wear sunglasses at night, indoors? [YES] [NO]
- Do you have an impending sense of oatmeal? [YES] [NO]
- Do you feel like you ought to turn yourself into the authorities? [YES] [NO]
- Did you ever forget to wear your glasses and discover that you can see just as well without them? [YES] [NO]
- I have an uncle who is a magician. The other day he was walking down the street and turned into a drugstore. How about you? [YES] [NO]
- Have you ever characterized Keanu Reeves as a “fine actor”? [YES] [NO]
- Do you sometimes get the feeling that you’re not in Kansas anymore? [YES] [NO]
- Where do a body meet a body?
[a] on the sly
[b] comin’ thro’ the rye
[c] anywhere, just try
[e] in a Boston Cream Pie
- Did you ever get an urge to put your clothes on inside-out and flog yourself with a haddock? [YES] [NO]
- A Ritz cracker has two sides. The top is sort of moundy, has seven little holes, and is salted. The bottom is more level, and is unsalted. Which side do you like to put your cheese on? [Bottom] [Top]\
If you answered “Yes”, “e”, or “Bottom” to one or more of the questions there is a strong likelihood that you are indeed an alien being. Do not be alarmed. Do not dematerialize. Do not eat any broccoli. You will be contacted by the Internal Revenue Service in the near future.
All photos except Mars rover ©James Veihdeffer.
From top to bottom: white mask found in alley attached to electrical fixture; irrigation control valve fixture at Glendale Community College; counter fixture at McDonald’s; abandoned bicycle frame on Arizona Canal; fire hydrant adorned with cowboy hat by anonymous passerby; APS electrical pole insulation patties along canal…or maybe alien poop.