Translating Trump’s Mind

Introducing the Trump-to-English Translator, soon to be a major new app available wherever you get your Trump memorabilia.

Addressing a law enforcement conference in Washington on Feb. 8, so-called President Trump kicked off his remarks by reading the Immigration and Nationality Act* aloud. Trump offered his own oral argument in defense of the travel ban.


Thanks to a terrific new piece of software—it’s really a fantastic piece of software, you’re going to be amazed at how great this software is, trust me—we’re now able to hack decode the inner workings of the POTUS mind.

“I watched last night in amazement, and I heard things that I couldn’t believe,” [because I only believe what I hear from Breitbart] Trump told his audience. “I don’t ever want to call a court biased [unless they rule against me], so I won’t call it biased, [but man am I tempted…bigly] and we haven’t had a decision yet [at which point I will be obliged to call the decision biased] But courts seem to be so political [when they rule against me, as those losers like to do], and it would be so great for our justice system [me] if they would be able to read a statement and do what’s right [‘right’ = ‘what I want them to do’].”

“If you were a good student in high school or a bad student in high school [that seems to cover the bases, so many great bases, so many], you can understand this.” . . .  “I was a good student. I understand things. I comprehend very well, O.K.? [in case you forgot] Better than, I think, almost anybody [because, trust me,  I’m really really smart in comprehension]. And I want to tell you, I listened to a bunch of stuff [I dunno, maybe it was news, maybe it was something Steve Bannon whispered in my ear] last night on television [where I get most of my policy briefings] that was disgraceful. It was disgraceful because what I just read to you is what we have. And it just can’t be written any plainer or better [except for what I get written for me, of course], and for us to be going through this.” [Easy D!]

Meanwhile, White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, not to be outdone, blathered forth this mini prose poem:

“So, the point is that at some area [I know I could have said ‘at some point’ but that would be doubly repetitive], you have to wonder, if the president isn’t able to execute on the power [I guess I could have said ‘execute the power’ but that just sounds bad]  that’s been vested into him [yes, yes, it’s actually vested into him, inside him, y’know] and is codified in U.S. Code [because the very best codes are codified], at some point [or at some ‘area’ . . . you decide] you have to wonder, what else is at question?”

* We’re not entirely sure what the SC-POTUS read aloud though we suspect it wasn’t the actual 12-page “Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965” linked to above which contains the usual sort of endless legislative jargon including at least one 400-word sentence. Public Law 29-236 (H.R. 2580) also known as the Hart–Celler Act, changed the way quotas were allocated by ending the National Origins Formula that had been in place in the United States since the Emergency Quota Act of 1921.

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