However, there is a lot of backbiting, disagreement, conflict, mistrust and general snarkiness…and that’s just within the Tea Party! <insert rim shot>
So in the spirit of an American political system that seems to be hopelessly adversarial to the point of being broken, I am proposing a surprising hands-across-the-aisle candidate who can reconcile the Democrats to the new Speaker.
Yes, in addition to promising never to say “moi” again unless I’m invited to do a Muppets voice-over, I think I can bring a new era of cooperation between the “Libs” and the “Goppers.”
My Speaker agenda:
- OK on abortions and a woman’s right to choose
- OK to stop circulating that ridiculously edited and inconclusive Planned Parenthood “sting” video
- OK for gays to have an equal opportunity to get divorced after an overpriced marriage production
- OK to ban guns not used for hunting deer, rabbits and farmland varmints, unless the citizens are in an actual, recognized, dutifully certified militia that has at least bi-weekly firearm training and safety sessions
- OK to legalize marijuana, at least for medical purposes
- OK to turn off The Trumpinator’s mic when he starts making menstrual jokes, insulting Mexicans and blathering on about economic matters that only a continual bankruptee and product failure specialist could concoct
- OK to teach the theory of evolution in schools without equal time for creationism, astrology, homeopathy and Bigfootology
- OK to remove loopholes that allow parents to avoid having their kids vaccinated unless the kids are isolated in the parents’ basement meth lab or Doomsday Prepper silo
- OK to have strict fines for restaurant servers saying “How’s everything tasting“?
All right, all right…I added that last one just to see if you were paying attention.
Notice how positive and affirming all the items are though?
As even a child of 8 can discern, this agenda would allow the two parties to come together in a nationwide Kumbaya-palooza.
Surely, all the Republicans have to do is grasp the olive branch.
Just don’t call me Shirley.