July 30, 2014
I can hardly believe these items haven’t already been invented. Maybe I’m living in a delusional movie where the protagonist is convinced his Thyme Machine (aids sleep, wards off nightmares, gives courage to knights…also good for embalming), Two-Way Wrist Bazooka or Windows 8 Obliterator is the answer to personkind’s prayers.
But give ’em a chance. I think you’ll wonder how you lived without these sure-fire moneymakers.
(Note: all device images strictly imaginary)
Phone Shrieker: This app, installed on your cell phone or attached to your phone line, intercepts designated numbers or prefixes and emits an obnoxiously raucous, faxtone-like sound. Tap in a 1-800 prefix, for example, and enjoy telemarketer-free days basking by the pool or otherwise getting your real business done. You never even hear the phone ring; the app simply answers with its ear-numbing wail.
Anti-Woofer: This device is essentially a directional noise canceller that automatically silences nearby autos with subwoofers blasting. The 17-25-year old cruising up alongside you at the stoplight won’t know what hit him…the sound of silence.
New feature: Has the added bonus of quieting noisy neighborhood dogs!*
Chirpie Chip: And now, the coup de grace! This is a peel-and-stick micro-mini-chip that attaches or embeds in common household devices or appliances to help you find them and keeps your spousal unit from smugly droning, “Where was the last place you put it?”
Great for finding car keys, cell phone, reading glasses, sunglasses, USB drives, TV remote, overhead fan remote or a spousal unit.
Each “findable” gets it’s own 1- or 2-digit code which causes the device to chirp (like a car key remote). The Chirpie can be a wall-mounted unit (either screwed in or Velcro’d) like a garage door unit or a portable device that is always stored in a known location and is designed to chirp its pretty head off when not in its proper place.
Of course there’s a voice recognition feature: “Hey Chirpie: Find keys!”
Now that I’ve done the hard work of thinking these things up, all you have to do is build them.** (And, cut me in for a piece of the action, naturally.)
Remember to get permission from your spousal unit…if you can remember where you put said unit.
* Dog quieting feature courtesy of Bud D. Jones
** I’ve since learned that there are various “keyfinders,” “object finders” and other useless widgetry already on the market. I don’t think any of them work as well as mine. Of course, it helps that my Chirpie, technically speaking, hasn’t actually been built yet.