New biblical scrolls discovered!

f-scroll w shadow-cutout-quentinBak5test

A serendipitous discovery of several previously unknown books of the Hebrew Bible and Christian New Testament has been made in the secret caves of Nag Sunnislope near the Dead Salt River in the desert of the Phoenicians.

(updated June 2015 with newly discovered scrolls)

These new biblical-era scrolls and codices include:

New Testament:

  • EffusionsEfusians-background                                  (Paul’s epistle to the Effusians)

Paul gets downright giddy as he contemplates the highly certain and imminent return of the Christ in, oh, about a month or so. But it could be five million years too. Taking couple praying copya break from his usual dour and self-aggrandizing tone, the self-appointed apostle to the Gentiles includes gentle instructions on how to pray, specifically disallowing the newfangled first-century practice of raising one palm into the air while looking soulfully into the distance: “What! Ye think the Lord liveth in the air? Dost thou wish to be excused for a mikveh break?”
(Eff 2:13-14)

  •  Galaxians Galaxians-background                                   (Paul’s epistle to the Galaxians)

Scroll-Galaxians-2

Following up on his stunning experience on the road to Damascus, Paul describes additional other-worldly visitations, recounting how he obtained a variety of supernatural “gifts” such as super-hearing, healing-by-phone, extreme-travel partial scroll-cutoutplanning, vision interpretation and debate tips for dealing with the Messiah’s pesky family members, particularly James. Unfortunately, part of the letter appears to be missing (right), presumably the section recounting his appearance with Barnabas on The Amazing Race.

  • Gospel of Tiffany (Jesus’ youngest sister)

“In the beginning was the Word. And the word was ‘Totally!'” The Messiah’s  favorite sister gives hitherto unrevealed glimpses into the day-to-day early life of  the Holy Family — dressing Jesus up like a girl for a visit to the red tent; fixing her bTiffany-orig-CRrother up with a second cousin from Capernaum. . . and then hiding herself in the loft to watch them making out; sneaking out of synagogue to smoke camel dung fatties (“It was totally Ewwwww! Not the camel dung…watching Yesh get all creepy prophetic and random with Mary Mag. I’m like  ‘Peace-out of here if you guys are gonna do that.'” (Tif 4:23-29).

Hebrew (Old) Testament:

  • Book of Drudges Historical accounts of the less glamorous blue-collar prophets and aldermen of Jerusalem, Bethel, Jericho and Wasilla such as Jacob Bar Hoffa, Judaplumer, Bris Tolpalin and Levi Johannston.
  • Book of Dalmatians 101 lively verses of sacred doggerel.
  • Exclusiastes  – A book of all the people excluded from meeting God — homosexuals, lesbians, left-handers, Pharisees, Catholics, Moabites, Edomites, Followers of Onan, Gnostics, Obama supporters, etc.).
  • Enthusiastes A book of nauseatingly joyous praise and worship including “holy mumbling” and personages inexplicably speaking in repetitive unintelligible phrases that resemble five-year-olds making up secret languages.
  • Book of Letters – Following up on the incredibly mind-numbing Book of Numbers and the eye-clawingly sadistic Book of Random Numbers, the hitherto little-known Book of Letters consists simply of endless repetitions of the Hebrew alphabet, as though to taunt future Kabbalah enthusiasts. Until the recent discovery of this text, the sacred “sixth book” was known only through vague and often sly references in Micah, Nahum and Zephaniah, along with a few risqué mentions from the irrepressible Ezra. Its composition is thought by some scholars to be a result of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years and having no access to sudoku or beer.
  • Finickians – A little known offshoot of the mainstream Israelites, the hebrew-backgroundgroup known simply as the Finickians (Greek Finika, Hebrew, see right), was not content with what they considered the pussy-footing dietary restrictions set down in Leviticus. Thus, this sect eschewed everything from lima beans to black olives, had no truck with tripe, grew livid at the thought of liver and would not allow various food items to touch each other on their plates. (A branch of the sect maintained that the Chosen People’s stomachs were literally compartmentalized, much like kosher cud-chewing beasts.) In addition to a rule stating “no vegetable with more than two syllables” (Fin 2:15-16) they had developed a concept of “compatible food colorbanana-grilled cheese w bakgrnds” insisting that food items at each meal session all be of the same color group (Fin 12:26-30). For example, a banana would be allowed with a grilled cheese sandwich but not a tomato. The sect is believed to have finally expired after tomato-backgroundtheir diet devolved to eating only gluten-free manna and free-range sparrows.

 

New scrolls soon to be discovered:

Fallopians: epistle of Paul to an obscure sect of single mothers who lived in Roman canals and ducts (called “oviducts”)

Episcopalians: epistle of Paul to a group of believers who revered the Palestinian comedian Yusef Piscopo and allowed women to speak aloud in Temple.

DUDEronomy: chronicles of the first prophets of sand dune-skateboarding who existed on a diet of Doritos and worshipped a false god called “Monster” and the idol “Red Bull.”

Phillipinoans: Epistle of Paul to the Pinoys. Paul sends word to the Phillipinos through Epafroditus of his upcoming imprisonment in Rome for the crime of email spamming the emperor Claudius (see “Paul’s First Chain E-pistle to the Corinthians”). The letter begins in standard form for an ancient Hellenistic letter structure with a short joke: “To all the saints in Christ Jesus who are at Manilla, with the overseers and deacons as well as all the traveling nurses, musicians and I.T. geeks. Please send more of those fine Manilla envelopes! These episttoy drummer Quintusles aren’t mailing themselves.” Paul then adds an emoji of a toy drum set which scholars now believe to be the standard icon for “rim shot,” the modern equivalent of an LOL.

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15 comments on “New biblical scrolls discovered!

  1. Aaron says:

    Love it!!! Thanks for the fun!

  2. John B says:

    I particularly like the finickians and the Book of Letters. “sudoku or beer”? That’s classic!

  3. Marco says:

    One of your finest.
    I am sure I belong with the Exclusiates, but being excluded from Wasilla’s enthusiastes may not be any loss after all.
    If you keep this up you may be recognized for the prophet you are and may preach to the Finikians and then be licensed to “marry” young teens, as that appears to be the style of prophets these days.
    Thanks

  4. The Real Estate Queen says:

    Twenty years later and you’re still getting mileage out of the vegetables-with-more-than-two-syllables joke! Amazing.

    • jveeds says:

      A good joke is like a good vegetable — always nutritious. Besides, one prefers not to call it “mileage”; one prefers to think of it as responsible recycling for a new audience.

  5. Great site…keep up the good work.

  6. Hey good stuff…keep up the good work! I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)

    A definite great read.. 🙂

    -Bill-Bartmann

  7. Marcelo says:

    May The Lord God have mercy of you all.

  8. Susan Vogt says:

    I am one of the few to know that “no vegetables longer than 2 syllables” goes back at least 40 years. I’m not sure if Jim or I coined it first, but I DO know where the “No tomatoes” comes from and it’s a shame to disparage such a fine fruit. Actually, it takes quite a bit of historical biblical knowledge to satirize it so well. Thanks, Jim for your skill and humor. (Now if you could only transfer some of your cleverness directly into the current book I’m writing. 🙂 )

    • jveeds says:

      I’m proud to say that the “2 syllable rule” was my own linguistic invention, based on the concept that as words grow older, they invariably get shortened. Thus, the oldest cultivated vegetables should have the shortest names; ergo, they are most time-tested. Of course I really backformed the rule to align with my personal preference for corn, peas, beans, carrots and a few other elite legumes as well as my disdain for rutabagas, edamame, broccoli, cucumber and other obvious low-rent ground-feeders. My beloved nieces used to delight in trying to trick me into vegetable choices (“You eat potatoes! What about them?” and “How come you don’t eat turnips?”) but these are easily deflected with bits of sophomore-year Latin and harumphing.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Normally I don’t learn post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do it! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, quite nice article.

  10. linked resource site

    New biblical scrolls discovered! | Words in Action: The Blog

  11. After I initially left a comment I seem to have clicked on the
    -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on every time a comment is added
    I get 4 emails with the exact same comment. Is there a means you
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  12. I LOVE your sense of theological wit! It’s a delicate one to do well . . . Bravo!
    ~ jayni

    • jveeds says:

      Thanks, Jayni. I’ve been sitting on another one, poking at a different theology, but I’ve been a little hesitant to offend (not that that has stopped me in the past.)

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