A serendipitous discovery of several previously unknown books of the Hebrew Bible and Christian New Testament has been made in the secret caves of Nag Sunnislope near the Dead Salt River in the desert of the Phoenicians.
(updated June 2015 with newly discovered scrolls)
These new biblical-era scrolls and codices include:
- Effusions (Paul’s epistle to the Effusians)
Paul gets downright giddy as he contemplates the highly certain and imminent return of the Christ in, oh, about a month or so. But it could be five million years too. Taking a break from his usual dour and self-aggrandizing tone, the self-appointed apostle to the Gentiles includes gentle instructions on how to pray, specifically disallowing the newfangled first-century practice of raising one palm into the air while looking soulfully into the distance: “What! Ye think the Lord liveth in the air? Dost thou wish to be excused for a mikveh break?”
- Galaxians (Paul’s epistle to the Galaxians)
Following up on his stunning experience on the road to Damascus, Paul describes additional other-worldly visitations, recounting how he obtained a variety of supernatural “gifts” such as super-hearing, healing-by-phone, extreme-travel planning, vision interpretation and debate tips for dealing with the Messiah’s pesky family members, particularly James. Unfortunately, part of the letter appears to be missing (right), presumably the section recounting his appearance with Barnabas on The Amazing Race.
- Gospel of Tiffany (Jesus’ youngest sister)
“In the beginning was the Word. And the word was ‘Totally!'” The Messiah’s favorite sister gives hitherto unrevealed glimpses into the day-to-day early life of the Holy Family — dressing Jesus up like a girl for a visit to the red tent; fixing her brother up with a second cousin from Capernaum. . . and then hiding herself in the loft to watch them making out; sneaking out of synagogue to smoke camel dung fatties (“It was totally Ewwwww! Not the camel dung…watching Yesh get all creepy prophetic and random with Mary Mag. I’m like ‘Peace-out of here if you guys are gonna do that.'” (Tif 4:23-29).
Hebrew (Old) Testament:
- Book of Drudges – Historical accounts of the less glamorous blue-collar prophets and aldermen of Jerusalem, Bethel, Jericho and Wasilla such as Jacob Bar Hoffa, Judaplumer, Bris Tolpalin and Levi Johannston.
- Book of Dalmatians – 101 lively verses of sacred doggerel.
- Exclusiastes – A book of all the people excluded from meeting God — homosexuals, lesbians, left-handers, Pharisees, Catholics, Moabites, Edomites, Followers of Onan, Gnostics, Obama supporters, etc.).
- Enthusiastes – A book of nauseatingly joyous praise and worship including “holy mumbling” and personages inexplicably speaking in repetitive unintelligible phrases that resemble five-year-olds making up secret languages.
- Book of Letters – Following up on the incredibly mind-numbing Book of Numbers and the eye-clawingly sadistic Book of Random Numbers, the hitherto little-known Book of Letters consists simply of endless repetitions of the Hebrew alphabet, as though to taunt future Kabbalah enthusiasts. Until the recent discovery of this text, the sacred “sixth book” was known only through vague and often sly references in Micah, Nahum and Zephaniah, along with a few risqué mentions from the irrepressible Ezra. Its composition is thought by some scholars to be a result of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years and having no access to sudoku or beer.
- Finickians – A little known offshoot of the mainstream Israelites, the group known simply as the Finickians (Greek Finika, Hebrew, see right), was not content with what they considered the pussy-footing dietary restrictions set down in Leviticus. Thus, this sect eschewed everything from lima beans to black olives, had no truck with tripe, grew livid at the thought of liver and would not allow various food items to touch each other on their plates. (A branch of the sect maintained that the Chosen People’s stomachs were literally compartmentalized, much like kosher cud-chewing beasts.) In addition to a rule stating “no vegetable with more than two syllables” (Fin 2:15-16) they had developed a concept of “compatible food colors” insisting that food items at each meal session all be of the same color group (Fin 12:26-30). For example, a banana would be allowed with a grilled cheese sandwich but not a tomato. The sect is believed to have finally expired after their diet devolved to eating only gluten-free manna and free-range sparrows.
New scrolls soon to be discovered:
Fallopians: epistle of Paul to an obscure sect of single mothers who lived in Roman canals and ducts (called “oviducts”)
Episcopalians: epistle of Paul to a group of believers who revered the Palestinian comedian Yusef Piscopo and allowed women to speak aloud in Temple.
DUDEronomy: chronicles of the first prophets of sand dune-skateboarding who existed on a diet of Doritos and worshipped a false god called “Monster” and the idol “Red Bull.”
Phillipinoans: Epistle of Paul to the Pinoys. Paul sends word to the Phillipinos through Epafroditus of his upcoming imprisonment in Rome for the crime of email spamming the emperor Claudius (see “Paul’s First Chain E-pistle to the Corinthians”). The letter begins in standard form for an ancient Hellenistic letter structure with a short joke: “To all the saints in Christ Jesus who are at Manilla, with the overseers and deacons as well as all the traveling nurses, musicians and I.T. geeks. Please send more of those fine Manilla envelopes! These epistles aren’t mailing themselves.” Paul then adds an emoji of a toy drum set which scholars now believe to be the standard icon for “rim shot,” the modern equivalent of an LOL.